Welcome back to The Renewal – Reading this newsletter is the second best feeling in the world. The first best is when you’re in the car, you roll the window down, and you start doing the dolphin thing with your hand.
How to stop hiccuping.
My girlfriend has debilitating hiccups.
We’ve been blacklisted from most restaurants, theaters, and casinos. Evicted from my apartment. Lifeguards hate us. Doctors refuse to see her. Even my grandmother won’t let us visit.
None of the tricks worked. Drinking water upside down, me pretending to kidnap her to scare away her breath bloopers, breathing through a paper bag, telling herself she’s not a fish, nothing.
And as if we weren’t down bad enough. She has now developed angry hiccups.
They’re so infuriatingly uncontrollable that it forces her into a tantrum.
It’s as if someone snatched her teddy bear from her hands, decapitated it, drop kicked the head off a bridge, and returned the mangled body to her shooketh hands.
What she has belongs in Dante’s 9th level of hell. But not even he is that cruel.
And if you think she has it bad then think about me – sitting there, watching helplessly as she’s possessed by some hiccup demon.
All I can do is make fun of her which only makes the angry hiccups worse.
I think she might die from this one day.
She deserves better.
This one’s for you, mon petit chou chou (my little cabbage).
How to solve hiccups
After scouring the globe for a solution, the prodigal son has returned to fulfill his prophesy of curing his girlfriend’s unwanted encore of debilitating angry hiccups.
Fortunately, there’s a simple way to get rid of hiccups.
Hiccups are spasms in the phrenic nerve, which controls the diaphragm (muscle under your lungs which guides breathing).
If you can stop the phrenic nerve from spasming, you can stop hiccuping.
To alleviate the chest chortles:
- Inhale maximally (via your nose) 3 times with no exhales in between.
- Hold your breath for 15-30 seconds.
- Slowly exhale (via your mouth).
You are hyper-exciting then over-relaxing the phrenic nerve. As far as we know, this is the most efficient and science-supported way to eliminate hiccups because it targets the root cause.
If it doesn’t work the first time, try again.
I’ll demonstrate so that you’re all clear on how to do it. Okay, here I go.
[INHALES DEEPLY] [INHALES] [INHALES]
Pufferfish mouth for 15 seconds
[EXHALES]
For some, hiccups are their favorite feeling in the world. And don’t worry I didn’t forget about you few hiccup loving freaks.
How to get the hiccups:
- Drinking from a garden hose
- The Krispy Kreme Challenge – 2400 calories, 12 Doughnuts. 5 Miles. 1 Hour
- Chugging a gallon of milk – the real disaster happens after when it curdles in your tummy, trust me bro
- Inhaling a bee while sniffing flowers
- **The One Chip Challenge – my mom did it, so can you**
- A visit from the tickle monster
- Blowing up a bouncy castle by mouth
- Being bad at beer pong
📬 Forward this to a friend if you want them to live longer.
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